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中考英语写作精彩点评与修改(一)

2009-03-25

  【原创】刘晓伟老师—中考英语写作精彩点评与修改(一)
  2009中考大战迫在眉睫,很多学生和家长都希望在剩下的两个多月里争取在英语有所突破,我本人在周日下午的课最多也只能向20多人学生面授中考写作课程,为了能让更多的学生和家长受益,我把利用课余时间帮助学生修改的作文全部登出来,每篇文章都附有点评和原文修改。希望大家能避免一些常见的错误,多使用一些地道的短语和句式,为自己的中考之路添加更多的信心和实力。

  作文题目:
      五晚你父母都出去了,只有爷爷和你在家,你在客厅里看电视而爷爷在他屋里看报纸。突然你听到爷爷屋里有什么动静,当你推开房门,惊讶地发现爷爷正躺在地上,失去了知觉。于是你立即拨打了120。然后让爷爷平躺,打开了窗户。就在这时医生来了。一位医生说你做的对,救了爷爷的命。请根据提示以"An Unforgettable Night"为题,写一篇80字左右的短文。

  作文修改如下:
  先表扬一下:内容都写到位了,关键在于组织。

  急需改进的地方:
  1. 正确的语法结构。
  2. 几个简单合并成复杂句
  3 前后句子的连贯性。
  4  一定要分段。
  I have an unforgettable night on last Friday. Because I saved my grandpa’s life. (I had an unforgettable night last Friday because I saved my grandpa's life.) 

  Last Friday, my parents were not at home, and I watched TV in living room. My grandpa was watch newspaper in his room. (将几个简单句合并更好一些,可以写成:My parents were not in on the very night. I was watching TV in the living room while my grandpa was reading newspaper in his bedroom.)When I walked in his room, I find he had lost consciousness. (最好用双宾语结构:find sb doing sth. 可以写成:When I walked into his room, I found him lying on the ground and lost his consciousness.) So I immediately called 120, put he lay and opened the window. (不成句子,是个硬伤。可以写成:Without hesitation, after putting him on the bed and opening the window, I immediately called 120.) In this time, doctor came. A doctor said I had a good job, and I saved my grandpa’s life. (将几个简单句合并更好一些,可以写成:At last, the doctor arrived, who told me that I had done a good job of saving my grandpa's life.)

  What an unforgettable Friday!!

  (What an unforgettable night!)

  恭喜你能坚持写完,并能看完这篇被我修改的文章。这样的人不多,你是这个班第二个这么做的,所以我要对你说:你很棒!能想象你以后很牛很牛的的样子。继续努力!

 

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